I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
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interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral