[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
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[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!