wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
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Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.