it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
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Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.