Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
You Might Also Like
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
cyclists
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.