My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
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Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
fly smarter, not harder
I am having an out of money experience.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job