kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
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Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.