I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
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Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.