[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
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Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
when there are deer in the woods
i hope my email finds you on fire
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.