The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
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ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
thanks auntie mary
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first