I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
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thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
#gardening
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
just got my engagement photos
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?