I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
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*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.