If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
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Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton