me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…