Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
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Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
me refusing to leave twitter
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.