We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
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A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
nice challenge
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.