60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
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Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Nice try, poison.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
This pepper has seen some shit
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada