My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.