A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
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[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐