Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
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STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.