Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
just pretend nothing happened
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
you will never know the true number of layers
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.