You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
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“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.