what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
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Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
british sex workers really pound for pound
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.