There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
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Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
WTF IS THAT!
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.