“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.