How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.