Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
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My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
im all 3
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.