Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
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me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears