me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
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Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)