GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
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That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.