[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
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New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I don’t think my car can fly
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry