This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Bike for sale
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.