Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
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“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*