The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
You Might Also Like
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins