I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
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He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Beware of the dog..
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
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