Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
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My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se