bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
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How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
emergency phone
My time has come.