cat faces on other animals, a thread
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My work here is don’t.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?