I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
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If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
The Wolf of Wall Street.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
March 16
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”