[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
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In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I created you as mosquito food.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me