earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
You Might Also Like
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
the world’s most popular steaming services
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.