I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
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Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.