You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
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That eye roll….
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
War & Peace
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.