The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
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ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
If only
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
One venti cheeseburger please.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time