My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
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I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.