[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
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Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.