Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is