“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
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Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.