My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
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Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
What?!?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…