Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
You Might Also Like
What’s a Messi?
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter